I was about to start university.
I was looking forward to freedom from my parents.
See, my parents right, they were so controlling, especially my mother.
"We love you," they said.
"We want to protect you," they said.
"Stay at home and read a book."
"Go on the computer and learn something new."
"Help your sister to draw."
Blah blah blah.
They were overprotective but don't get me wrong,
I loved them.
They were good to me.
But then they weren't.
Let's talk about my mother.
I remember when she would get ready to go out with my dad,
she would wear that bright red lipstick that I loved on her.
She would come show herself to me when she was done.
"Ama, how do I look?" she would ask.
She looked lovely.
See, I have all these memories of my mother and I.
We talked about everything.
We talked about boys, we talked about sex.
She once said to me, "let me know when you're ready to have sex so I can show you how to do it safely."
She was awesome.
She was my everything.
She taught me how to cook (yes, I can cook guys. keep it moving)
She taught me how to read before my mates ever could.
She made it so I could speak to her like a little girl would to her older sister.
As I said, she was my everything.
today I miss my mother because she's not here.
She's still alive but yes, she's dead.
She changed, I don't know how.
I don't know why.
She said I ruined her life when she gave birth to me.
She said if it wasn't for me she wouldn't have gotten married to that "useless man."
She said she gave away great opportunities because of the man she married, because of me.
She said, "I'm not your mother any more."
She said, "forget about me because you don't exist to me."
She said, "I don't love you any more, maybe I never did."
I didn't understand. I still don't.
She blamed me for things I could never have been aware of.
She blamed me even though she was the one who opened her legs one night,
the result of which was ME.
It was her decision. not mine.
But she blamed me anyway.
I'm writing this post because today I miss her.
And when I miss her, all the good memories I have of her surface.
And then I smile.
The type of smile that reaches your eyes.
And then I think of how happy I am to have known her.
She was special.
But it doesn't last long, this happiness.
The bad memories always come, like flies on yesterday's trash.
They always come and ruin everything.
And then I get upset.
And then I want to cry.
And then my eyes go empty.