Monday, 25 July 2011

angels with muddy faces...


"Never does the human soul appear so strong as when it forgoes revenge and dares to forgive an injury" -Hubbel Chapin
Hey guys :) How are you doing?Has anyone annoyed you today?Maybe someone did something so 'unforgivable' and your blood is still boiling with anger and hatred.How's that working out for you?The anger i mean.Does it make you feel good?No?Ok.
A lot of people i know tell me i have a ridiculous flaw,but i know better than to side with them.I forgive easily (sometimes it takes a little more time though).I let things go.I let people off the hook.No revenge,no dirty slap (although i've thought about this a time or two).I won't lie,i've been wronged by so many people in so many ways,and there were those times i thought i wouldn't be able to forgive but i always found a way.
While we're on the subject of people who have hurt me,let's look at the other side,people i've hurt.I'm human,it's blood that runs through my veins(and chocolate).I've done things i'm not proud of.I've made people angry.I've made them cry.Have they forgiven me?It's scary to think that there are people out there who hear your name and think evil of you because of something you once did to them.
"To err is human,to forgive,infrequent"....We all make mistakes but not all of us make it a point to forgive.People have this notion that if they don't retaliate,it means they are weak.Truth is,forgiveness is a trait of the strong.They fail to see the bigger picture.So they choose to hold on dearly to anger and pain that is slowly but unknowingly tearing them  apart.
Because i love you so much,i'm going to let you in on a little secret.There's no revenge as effective as forgiveness.When you forgive,you stand to gain so much.It's almost selfish.You must think i'm mad.Quit shaking your head and lets analyze things.You forgive,the anger evaporates,your sunny disposition move on with your life,you become a better person.
Now unless you're some materialistic prude who finds joy only in things money can buy,you would have realized that Nanama (me) is a genius and that i'm making all the sense in the world.Who doesn't want to be a better person?WHO?Wouldn't it be lovely if people actually meant half the eulogies they read out at funerals?You can't control how or when you die but you can control what people remember you by...the memories you leave behind.
Forgiveness CAN mend broken relationships,broken hearts,broken lives...But one thing i had to learn the hard way is that it doesn't always lead to healed relationships.There are those situations where things get so out of hand,to the point of being 'unmendable'.I've learnt that some people are not capable of love and i think it wise to wish them well and let them go their way.
With the exception of murderers and rapists (feel free to add more to my short list),i think that at the end of the day we're all just good people who sometimes make stupid mistakes.We are ANGELS WITH MUDDY FACES....You've read all i have to say,it can be hard but put in that extra effort and you'll see the good that comes out of it.
i've enlightened you,haven't i? :D you're all my little elves ^_^ .Now here are your socks *throws mismatched socks into the crowd of eager readers*.I've set you free.Go out there and be awesome :)

Friday, 22 July 2011

topsy turvy land...

"part of me laughs,part of me cries,part of me wants to question why.why is there joy?why is there pain?why is there sunshine and the rain?..."
Life can be're up one minute,upside down the's a topsy turvy world...
They're a family.Mum's a nurse,Dad does something with computers and the kids are a beautiful mess.
Dad isn't around all that much because he works too hard and Mum,well she's a parent either during the day
or at night,depending on her shift.Never the entire day.Big sister,now she's a child herself.She's 8 years old
 but she's been forced to grow up quick because baby brother and baby sister need her.She must take care of them.
The good thing here is that Mum and Dad always make the kids know how much they love them.They read them bedtime stories at night,they tuck them in,they kiss them good night.If baby sister wakes up screaming about a flying elephant she saw in her dreams,Mum and Dad always rush in,ready to calm,ready to reassure.
Big sister wakes up,it's another day.She looks at her alarm clock and exclaims "it's 8 0' clock,we're late!".Mum and Dad are not at home.Big sister wakes little brother and little sister up..She brushes their teeth,helps them into their uniforms and gets them bowls of frosties and milk.Baby brother wants a piece of toast instead,she makes it for him.Then it's off to school...
It's Saturday morning.Mum is asleep because she just got back from a night shift.Dad goes into the kids room and turns on the radio to that jazz station.He puts it on full blast.Every saturday,that's how he wakes them up.It's time to go shopping and they're happy.Big sister,baby brother and baby sister each get their gingerbread man,with smarties for buttons.They love their rituals...
All four get back home.Mum is well rested.She divides the kfc treats they brought back with them.They're a family.They eat,tease each other and laugh as a silly looking Mr Bean makes an ass of himself on tv.Mum and Dad seem happy.Big sister,baby brother and baby sister are overjoyed.They're a family...
6 years later...
Dad never comes home early.Mum's always complaining.The kids are confused.What's happening to their home?their family?
Mum and Dad split up.Dad takes big sister,Mum takes baby brother and baby sister.They are NOT a family anymore...
They don't go shopping anymore,they don't tease each other and Mr Bean isn't quite as funny as before.
For some people,life is an endless amusement park ride.They never want to get off.But for others,it starts off as good,then there's a minor glitch and it's downhill from there.Have you ever had one of those days where from the moment you wake up,it seems everything goes wrong?your hair's all wrong,no outfit looks good,you can't catch a break?Life can be like that at times.From good,straight to bad,then worse.Life can be funny...
I never like to end a post on a sad note so lemme just say this.Things get hard,you can reach an all time low but you must  believe in something or someone higher than yourself.Mine is God.He makes everything beautiful in His time."Sorrow is a fruit.God does not make it grow on limbs too weak to bear it".
Some people choose to believe in wooden sculptures with large penises or huge trees in random forests *rolls eyes all the way back*.This is all well and good (or not) but whatever you choose to believe in,i hope it helps you deal with all of lifes jokes.

Sunday, 17 July 2011

...whispering thoughts...

I'd like to think i'll get married someday and have that ideal life that every normal human being hopes for.I haven't quite gotten to the point where i know exactly what i want my wedding dress to look like though.The only thing i know for certain is how my cake is gonna look like and just how many layers it's gonna have.See,i love cake,my life would be incomplete without it.So much that i'm not gonna share it with anyone :| so i've warned you guys,bring your own cake!

But there are so many hurdles to cross with this whole marriage thing,i mean,i've seen it.It can get pretty ugly.If i try to get inspiration from married people around me i'll have to look really hard and long to see past the bad to get to the good.It's like everyone is divorced or on the verge of!it's sad.

I've seen what divorce does to families,to individuals.It hasn't helped my family much,it broke it for a time an we're still dealing with it.I don't think anyone is left unaffected by divorce but it's kids that are hurt the most.

Everyone handles pain differently.I lose my appetite completely.i write, I CRY,a whole lot.Now my baby sister,she's a quiet one.She never outwardly reacts to things,unless it's out of disgust and she has one of her famous sarcastic comments to offer..You never know what she's thinking and that's the scary part.So it was difficult trying to imagine exactly how bad the damage was when our parents split up.

But i'm smart so i figured it all out.It's a simple equation really.Parents who are too preoccupied with themselves to notice the chain reaction they've begun.Siblings who are each hurting in their own way...
But i'm her big sister and no matter how many times she rolls her eyes when i complain about how fat i'm getting,i know she looks up to me.(Mya,if you're reading this,quit shaking your head,i know you do)

I don't deserve the 'best sister award',but gimme a little more time and i will.I'm supposed to fill in for where my parents fall short, and be there for her whenever she needs me.We piss each other off,we fight but it's gotten to the point where we've come to appreciate each other and we're rebuilding our relationship :)

I believe God gives us brothers and sisters to fill up that space in our hearts that is primarily meant for them.They have a purpose in our lives.They're a blessing,cushions you can fall on when everything or everyone else bails.Lemme just say that i love my brothers too (before one of them see's this and has a hissy fit that i didn't mention him).

We have to take care of each other,look out for each other and encourage each other.We're the blessing that came out of a marriage that no longer is.Us four are FAMILY :)

Thursday, 14 July 2011

my possible butterflies....

 So i'm gonna make this fairly brief because my back is aching and i'd rather not worsen it by sitting in this position.i know you all care so say your "aaawwwws" and let's move on :D  This is kind of a personal post.I'm letting you guys in on bits and pieces of who i really am so you 'better feel fucking special' -___-.

Ok so 'my possible butterflies'.You have no idea what i'm talking about huh?Let's change that.You know that cute/nervous flutter you get in the pit of your stomach when you see someone you like/have a crush on,blah blah blah?You call it 'butterflies' right?Ok.

See,with me,for the longest time,my butterflies have remained unemployed.Sure i've liked people but before the fluttering can begin,the feelings go away.I'll admit that sometimes i push people away when i feel like they're threatening my personal space and that it has gotten so easy for me to let people go.

Sometimes,it's like i'm suffocating and i need to break free.(If you're reading this and you feel you're one of these people,i apologize).But some of you too,i genuinely didn't like you that's why i cut you off :) No point in wasting your time.

I would love to blame it on my fear of commitment only but i know it runs much deeper than that.Just the thought of becoming vulnerable to another human being gives me the shivers.Thing is,i know where it stems from,but no,i'm not gonna share it with you guys.You're not that special.

So my possible butterflies,beautiful things that almost are,but never become.It doesn't help that some of the boys i meet are so shallow.I said SOME of you.Don't bite my head off.For the longest time i've been telling myself that maybe i'm not the problem.Maybe,just maybe i haven't met anyone i like enough to wanna work on myself for.

Does that make sense or is it a feeble attempt to make myself feel better?Either way,i know better than to lie to Nanama....I just spoke about myself in the third person and it feels way creepy.never again O_O

Anywayyyyyyyyyyyy,here's to hoping that my butterflies can someday fly ! <----- that may very well be the corniest line i've ever written...ending this before i cause more harm.good night !

Monday, 11 July 2011

her mask of pretense...

"To be natural is such a very difficult pose to keep up" - Oscar Wilde.
It's raining again.She's sitting on her window sill staring out at a world that's been so unkind.Her eyes reveal an emptiness,a brokenness,a pain untold.A single tear rolls down her cheek,her heart is flooded,burdened,overflowing.But it must make room for more,each tear,a reminder of the life unknown to the outside world.
Just another day.She gets ready to go and meet up with her 'friends'.Oh her friends...Before she walks out the door,she stares at her reflection in the mirror,turning this way,and that.Then she practices her smile.That dazzling smile that makes her gray world bright.The smile that is her mask of pretense.
She stares at herself some more.She stares at her eyes.She laughs at the irony of it all.The face can hide what the eyes cannot.Her eyes tell her story.A story unheard,a story unknown.She steps outside,into her make-believe world.
She sees all 4 of them,they hug,they smile,they laugh.She tells a stupid joke,they laugh some more.They look at each other,each thinking, "she's so happy,her life is brilliant.why mine be the same?"....
Ok so that was a little visual for you to ponder over.Did you see where i was going with that?All five of these girls are hiding behind something,masks that they've so expertly created for themselves."For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearance,as though they were realities..."
You will not know a person's story until you have asked them and they have told you the truth.Behind the wit,the humour,the laughter,are people who are hurting.But as human as we are,we tend to clothe our vulnerability with a guise.
The thing is,most people pretend.It's easier that way.If we all walked around as we naturally are,i hardly doubt the world would be unrecognisable.People plaster on the fake smiles in order to face the outside world,only to peel them off behind closed doors where they are free to be themselves.They act nonchalant "oh life?it's a breeze..".Lies,all of it.
Whenever you ask someone "how are you?",do you mean it?.Sometimes,you're genuinely interested in the person's well-being but it's mostly just a polite formality.
I've come to the conclusion that it would be quite reckless to wish to have another person's life,because you don't know what you're getting.You only see the parts of themselves that they choose to show you.Plus you know what they say about these careful what you wish for cos you just might get it.
"We are all pretending.The important thing is to maintain a straight face" -Maurice Valency.

Friday, 8 July 2011

heads i win,tails you leave...

"Breaking up and saying that you guys can still be good friends is like having your dog die,but your mum saying you can keep it regardless".
The first part of that quote makes sense to some of you,doesn't it?some of you have been at this point before and others are going through it take a look at the second part.what do you think of it?The thick ones,roll it around in your brains for a bit.Done?Good.Now let's discuss's futlie,it's stupid.The end.
Break-ups are hard and almost everyone has that ONE sob story. Notice how my heading has reduced it all to the toss of a coin?
That's because in a lot of instances it is.People break up all the time,it's life.we argue,we cry,we get over it...eventually.But some people insist on prolonging an already painful journey."We're not together but we can still be good friends" <-----Some will argue that this is possible,it's effective,blah blah blah.Thing is i'm not here to write what you think so zip it :)
I think it's a big mistake to assume that two people can go back to the type of friendship they had before they ever got together.
I won't even lie,i've said it before.But i'll be truthful and tell you that i was just trying to hang on to something that was clearly no longer there.It's that story where one person holds on tight while the other lets go without looking back.
Being strong sometimes means hanging on.I get that,it's true.But it also means seeing a situation for what it really is and deciding to LET GO.I think SELF LOVE plays an important role here.Let's face it,you've been ditched,you're getting no face time (unless of course your ex is using your feelings against you to get some bed play).It may take a while to sink in but you must get to that point where you realize 'No,I DESERVE BETTER'.That's the beginning of the healing process.
"If you can't save your relationship,at least save your pride" !!!

Thursday, 7 July 2011

under construction...

So i've been meaning to start this blog for a while but i was plagued by so many questions and doubts.i didn't know what exactly i wanted to write about and i still don't,but i'm hoping that by some magical wave of an unknown person's wand,it'll somehow come to me.I asked myself constantly "Self,will anyone read this blog?" "will it be a flop?" but then i realized that those are insecurities and insecurity is a FEAR.'The only real prison is fear and the only real freedom is freedom from fear'.Plus,why should i fear mere muggles?it's not like you can throw rotten tomatoes at me if you don't like a certain opinion or post of mine.So i decided to just go for it and hope for the best.
I love sarcasm,it's a way of life that i choose to live.they say it's a language that confuses the stupid so if you're one of those who never gets it then you're stu...remember,'they say',not me.i'm just the messenger :) anyway,that's why i chose that title 'in the eyes of sarcasm'.Creative huh?NO?whatever loser -__-.
I like to think i'm very opinionated so i'll probably rant about this or that.But my main aim is to have fun with this blog and hope that you guys like it.If however,you  don't,kindly fill this out whenever you're free 'I ________ am a retarded human being and i don't know a good thing when i see it' lol.
And another thing,this is not twitter so forgive all spelling errors.Thanks! :)