my possible butterflies....

 So i'm gonna make this fairly brief because my back is aching and i'd rather not worsen it by sitting in this position.i know you all care so say your "aaawwwws" and let's move on :D  This is kind of a personal post.I'm letting you guys in on bits and pieces of who i really am so you 'better feel fucking special' -___-.


Ok so 'my possible butterflies'.You have no idea what i'm talking about huh?Let's change that.You know that cute/nervous flutter you get in the pit of your stomach when you see someone you like/have a crush on,blah blah blah?You call it 'butterflies' right?Ok.

See,with me,for the longest time,my butterflies have remained unemployed.Sure i've liked people but before the fluttering can begin,the feelings go away.I'll admit that sometimes i push people away when i feel like they're threatening my personal space and that it has gotten so easy for me to let people go.

Sometimes,it's like i'm suffocating and i need to break free.(If you're reading this and you feel you're one of these people,i apologize).But some of you too,i genuinely didn't like you that's why i cut you off :) No point in wasting your time.

I would love to blame it on my fear of commitment only but i know it runs much deeper than that.Just the thought of becoming vulnerable to another human being gives me the shivers.Thing is,i know where it stems from,but no,i'm not gonna share it with you guys.You're not that special.

So my possible butterflies,beautiful things that almost are,but never become.It doesn't help that some of the boys i meet are so shallow.I said SOME of you.Don't bite my head off.For the longest time i've been telling myself that maybe i'm not the problem.Maybe,just maybe i haven't met anyone i like enough to wanna work on myself for.

Does that make sense or is it a feeble attempt to make myself feel better?Either way,i know better than to lie to Nanama....I just spoke about myself in the third person and it feels way creepy.never again O_O

Anywayyyyyyyyyyyy,here's to hoping that my butterflies can someday fly ! <----- that may very well be the corniest line i've ever written...ending this before i cause more harm.good night !